Have you ever been at a wedding and it’s 2 a.m. and your Spanx are SO tight and hot and uncomfortable and you NEVER should have touched the food but it didn’t seem like a good idea to drink on an empty stomach and you look around and decide that these people are now SO drunk they will never remember if you look fat in this dress?  And then you take off the Spanx and hide them in the bathroom garbage?

I have.

Multiple times.

We never seem to learn our lesson.  But then, what exactly is the lesson?  Lose a few pounds?  Practice body positivity?  Wear only A-lines?  Spend a few hours trying on shape wear until you want to shoot out every fluorescent light in the fitting room?

There are so many things that can go wrong.  The top rolls down, the legs roll up, the fabric won’t breathe.  Are we really supposed to pee through that weird hole?

The comfortably married among us have even resorted to asking our long suffering husbands to yank up the back part so we can anchor it down with whatever vice-like strapless bra we’ve chosen for the evening’s torture.  And they say you shouldn’t let him stand at the receiving end in the delivery room!

Nothing takes the romance out of an evening like you jumping up and down in front of a man, trying to stuff yourself into a flesh-toned sausage casing and then demanding to be zipped up like a child who needs help dressing herself.  “Pull harder!  YES this is my size!  Just hold the sides together!  Not like THAT!!!  JUST.  PULL. HARDER!!!!!!”

This has really got to stop.

We are fortunate, however, to live in an age of disruption.  Uber.  Netflix.  Amazon Prime.   The real key to success in the tech age is the exploitation of human laziness and desire for comfort.  It’s all about problem solving and that has now trickled down into the most basic everyday products.  Bras.  Underwear.  Shapewear!  Brave heroes are out there redesigning everything!  Ending the suffering!  Making us look good!

  1. Help has arrived and it’s called Honey Love.

Captura de pantalla 2019-07-06 a la(s) 9.19.43

It’s the ultimate in squeeze-you-in, confidence-boosting, façade-maintaining shapewear.  Available in Black and Nude with “soft-flex” structures in the side seams (like an underwire that stretches the length of the short and keeps the top from rolling down), Honey Love Sculptwear has got your back.  And your front.  Basically you’re covered from bra line to mid-thigh.  Stronger, more durable and just better designed than Spanx.  They even claim it will make you stand up straighter.  Won’t your mother be proud?

Now for those of you who ask, is it comfortable?  It’s about as comfortable as these things can get while still working.  It’s not sweatpants, it’s a girdle.  You want to wear sweats, stay home.  Does it do the job?  Perfectly.

No thanks needed, consider this my community service for the week.  And take this lesson from my misspent youth . . .

If you drink on an empty stomach you will:

  1. Be able to breathe in your girdle.
  2. Need less alcohol.
  3. Not have to try to pee through the hole.

But when the chilaquiles come out, all bets are off.

By: Samantha Thompson